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REVIEW | Hoolihah! The devil breathes fire into this Jaguar F-Pace SVR

2019-11-22 09:00

Charlen Raymond

Jaguar F-Pace SVR

Jaguar F-Pace SVR

Being a religious person, I believe that in this world there is both good and bad. And, for every heaven, there is a hell.

Now, if you’re like me and on the side of righteousness, God can count on you when it comes to pledging your allegiance. But the devil… it represents five characteristics that can be detrimental to your being. And somehow, these characteristics found their way to the Jaguar F-Pace SVR - obviously not literally.

Goodness gracious, what an insane piece of machinery! From the moment it arrived it encapsulated and enchanted. It stirred the senses and brought out a devilish side that few cars could ever muster.

Praise be to Jah - always - but for this fleeting moment I’m going to embrace the darkness and revel in the magnificence of the most-powerful F-Pace ever made.

WATCH: Jaguar's 405kW F-Pace SVR roars into SA 

Here are five similar characteristics I found between the two:

#1: A Deceiver

A wolf in sheep’s clothing. That’s what this F-Pace SVR is. It might not look all that imposing and dangerous, but it hides a fateful persona that could surely fool you.

At first glance, nothing about this SUV really screams that you’re in the presence of a monster. The bodywork looks painfully standard, but there are subtle hints to make you believe otherwise.

Jaguar F-Pace SVR

                                                                   Image: Wheels24/Charlen Raymond

From the front, a bigger grille has been brought on to feed air into the engine. This grille is far larger than the rest of the F-Pace range and keen observers will quickly note this. Big 22-inch tyres fill the wheel arches and these have their own unique rim design.

But at the rear is where the biggest giveaways are. Four of them, to be exact. Dual exhaust pipes on either side of the rear bumper ensures that if you cannot see the SVR coming, you should definitely hear it. Don’t be deceived by the somewhat subdued looks, because the devil is in the detail.

#2: A Tempter

Temptation can be a real dog sometimes. It lures you in and when it’s done with you, it spits you out. And the F-Pace SVR is one such temptress. You are taken in by this vehicle’s aura, you’re ready to explore the SUV and its features. Open the door and you’re greeted by a well-appointed cabin. Fine leather wherever you look and touch, inch-perfect stitching where leather meets leather. Suede all along the roof, and the grippy steering wheel that fits so snugly between your hands.

Between the front seats sits the gear lever, and around it you see the driving mode selector, the ‘loud exhaust’ button, as well as the start/stop button. The temptation is there to engage with the SUV, to start it up and hearing that big V8 engine roar to life. So you embrace the temptation.

Jaguar F-Pace SVR

                                                                       Image: Wheels24/Charlen Raymond

First you switch on the ignition, followed by dialling the SVR into Dynamic mode (which then automatically activates ‘loud exhaust’), left foot on the brake, right foot feeding a bit of petrol into the engine, and then you hit the start button.

Goshdarnit! A loud bark is emitted from those four exhaust pipes! It’s enough to, literally, send Rottweilers running with tales between their legs! You have no other option but to nourish your temptations, and you’ll keep on wanting more of that.

#3: A Thief

Where the devil steals eternal life from you, the Jaguar F-Pace SVR is much more concerned with your ever-presence. While it’s fun chasing the sounds this vehicle produces, it comes at a price. And you’re going to feel it at the pumps, literally.

Jaguar F-Pace SVR

                                                                      Image: Wheels24/Charlen Raymond

Jaguar says that the F-Pace SVR will return an average fuel economy of 11.9-litres/100km. And though that may sound awfully amazing, we saw a return hovering between 14- and 19-litres/100km. And yes, of course we were not driving gently.

When in a position to purchase a sports car, fuel consumption is not of great concern. Instead, you’d be interested in 0-100km/h times and top speeds. Regarding the former, that sprint is dispatched in 4.3 seconds, while top speed is a generous 280km/h. And you can chase the thrill for a mere R1.53-million.

#4: A Murderer

Whatever he has to his disposal, the devil will use all kinds of trickery to get his way.

So what’s there for the F-Pace SVR to feel guilty about? Nothing! In a world where electrification and ‘going green’ has been the hot topics of late, it’s refreshing to see Jaguar ‘balancing’ things out between its green projects (I-Pace) and normal internal combustion engines.

Jaguar F-Pace SVR

                                                                     Image: Wheels24/Charlen Raymond

Teen environmental activist Greta Thunberg might not smile at this next bit, but the F-Pace SVR has a bellowing supercharged 5.0-litre V8 engine under its hood. It’s an insane engine that produces 405kW and 680Nm of torque!

Oh gentle geebees, but the way it propels the Big Cat forward is achingly amazing! You launch at the horizon with every dab of the throttle. You attack corners with menace and allow the four-wheel-drive system to catapult you out of it.

CO2 emissions are of little concern. Contributing to sound pollution is of little concern. Showing the proverbial middle finger to Mother Nature's lovers as I speed pass them… is of great concern. The greenies might scream “You’re killing the planet!”, but at least you’ll meet your demise with a smile.

#5: A Distorter

So while we know the rules and laws of what is good and acceptable, and what’s not, the devil uses his cunning ways to convince you otherwise. If you do something this way, he’ll find a way to justify it. Just ask Adam and Eve.

Jaguar F-Pace SVR

                                                                        Image: Wheels24/Charlen Raymond

But in our modern world, the Jaguar F-Pace SVR does not belong. Not with the social climate going against vehicles like these. Yet, if you adjust your views just a little you’ll see that there is nothing wrong with it. It’s fun. It’s exciting. It has a personality; something few cars have these days and undoubtedly will ever have again in the future of all things electric. But then I have to contradict myself here, because Jaguar's I-Pace is a completely different animal, one that too will leave you lying awake at night.

Screw what society dictates! You don’t belong in a box and the Jaguar F-Pace SVR will keep you out of it. Sometimes you have to allow the devil to distort your views; even if it’s to justify it for yourself.

Somizi Mhlongo is right: the devil is a liar. And right now he’s got me right where he wants me.

Disclaimer: Wheels24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on Wheels24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Wheels24.

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