Wear nice undies!

When I was a lad my mum always used to tell me to make sure I didn't have any holes in my socks "in case you get knocked off your bike and have to go to hospital".

Sound advice, and as I got older I realised she also meant I had to make sure my underpants were also intact and sans potentially embarrassing perforations.

Even later still I refused to wear undies with messages. "I will rock you" was embellished on one pair I got as a Valentine's Day present, and that one ended up in my garage as cleaning material. I also drew the line on pants with hearts, flowers, small animals, and Disney characters...

In the back of my mind was the horrific thought of some young student nurse peeling my tattered jeans off after a fall from my motor bike and being confronted by a pair of undies emblazoned with "Cock of the Roost".

It doesn't matter, you might say. They've seen everything.

Well, they haven't seen me in those, and they're not going to.

Can you imagine lying there in bed, bandaged to the hilt, with your leg raised in traction, and this pert little blonde nurse saying "Morning cocky" in a Glaswegian accent?

So it really comes as no surprise to learn that police in Suffolk, one of the UK's "Home Counties" where folk are so gentile they curse with a ph, have given out a warning to women drivers especially, and other women going on boozy nights out, to "wear nice pants" in case they fall down drunk in the street.

A Suffolk police safety campaign magazine shows pictures of young women slumped on the ground next to messages urging them: "If you've got it, don't flaunt it."

"If you fall over or pass out, remember your skirt or dress may ride up," the magazine says.

"You could show off more than you intended - for all our sakes, please make sure you're wearing nice pants and that you've recently had a wax."

Readers are also told to stick with friends, book a taxi home and watch the amount they drink.

Police told Reuters the Safe! magazine's gossipy, tongue-in-cheek style was designed to alert young women to the dangers they could face if they get drunk during a night out.

"We need to raise their awareness of potential problems," said Chief Superintendent David McDonnell.

"They become more vulnerable while under the influence of alcohol."

Umphh! Well we all knew that.

Why do you think men buy girls drinks in bars in the first place?