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But before you move closer to your screen in anticipation of lots of steamy revelations, I'm afraid you'll have to wait until I finish my book before you can read any of my sordid past.
No, what I want to talk about today is the sex of your car, not having sex in your car.
Fact is, a survey in the UK has come up with a few pretty revealing pieces of information.
First of all, your car is transsexual. Yes, it can be whatever sex you want it to be.
Secondly, your car changes sex through its life cycle. Fortunately it's not accompanied by any of the mental and often physical pain that accompanies human sex change.
Third, and I find this most interesting - old bangers are more likely to be male. No, I'm not reverting to my opening paragraph. An "old banger" is a car that's been around the block a time or two. Or maybe I AM referring to my opening paragraph...
Fourth - and I wonder about this one - cars in big cities are more masculine than in rural areas.
The survey was conducted by the Bosch Car Service network of independent garages across the UK.
And it deduced that most of the time a car starts out as a female.
Now, I don't know many people who ascribe any particular sex to their car. Most of the people I mix with don't keep their cars long enough to get that attached.
However, there is one, Susan (or is it Debbie?) and her MINI-Cooper is definitely a she. Which is justified, I suppose, given its sexy styling and very feminine gold paintwork - always reminds me of a beautiful woman in a gold lame dress.
The survey also found that although it starts its life as a female, as the years pass by the majority of drivers see their car become a man.
Now this is an interesting one, and I wonder how closely it reflects on life. I remember reading an interview with one time great lady's man Jack Nicholson, who related that as he got older be found he preferred the company of men more and more rather than the machinations of the opposite sex.
The next bit of info is sort of obvious - the survey found that men are more likely to identify with their cars, considering them to be the same sex as themselves. Likewise, the majority of women thought their cars were female.
The survey also highlighted significant regional variations on how motorists view their cars.
In London, for example, 35% of motorists think their car's male, compared to 18% who think it's a woman.
However, out in the sticks the people of Wales think the opposite to be true, with only 15% of motorists viewing their cars as male and more than 42% as female.
Yes, I can see how most drivers in Jo'burg would think of their car as male. After all, most of them use it as a weapon, often sexually - the "F word" accompanies most driving manoeuvres, after all.
However in Cape Town, with its huge gay population, I wonder if the same can be said. If you're the "male" side of a gay relationship, is your car male, even if you're a lesbian? And vice versa if you're the "female" in a male same-sex partnership?
And I can't imagine a mealie farmer from the outer limits of the Northern Cape talking to his bakkie in terms of quiet endearment. There again my Uncle Jack, who was a hale and hearty farmer in the North of England, with a tough disposition and a penchant for good scotch, always called his car "old girl..."
Another gem from the survey said 55% of Welsh people (for South Africa read country dwellers) also admitted to feeling sad or shedding a tear when getting rid of their wheels. And 46% even gave their car a name!
Well, I can relate to that one. We have an old Renault 5 we picked up cheaply, basically as a backup vehicle to do all those things you don't want to do in a new car - take the dogs to the beach, get plants from the nursery, top up the winter wood supply.
It's in perfect condition, having come from the Cape interior, with not a bit of rust and only about 25 000 km on the clock from new. And we call her Fifi. 'Cos she's French.
At one time she had a mate, too, a bright red Renault 5 cabriolet called Gigi. But one day he upped and left...
